fak3shion

san francisco, style, fashion, travel, lifestyle curated by Ariel Tzu-Chi

Fashion is about projecting where you're going in life.

Therefore, life is fashion, fashion is style.

That's the lifestyle I am producing. 
 

風尚是一種生活品味的投射

因此生活即是風尚,風尚便是品味

這就是我想實踐的生活方式

Borrego Desert Photo Diary


Curating this post is not easy. It's only been a little more than a week old but the memories from the desert is deep and strangely nostalgic. It takes some courage to review the trip and reconsider its meaning and the impact on my life. This is going to be a wordy and content explosive post so make sure you're ready.

I don't even know where to begin. Before this trip I was under a constant mental challenge about myself and the life I corruptly lived. I can come up with a handsome amount of adjectives to describe it but to spare some time, that, it was bad. Really bad. I was trapped. I had trouble sleeping and my thoughts lingered on negatives; my phobias grew stronger and finally took its toll on me. When life runs its course on you, but you can only accept it and watch it do its thing. It was disastrous.

I spent a week away from my normal depressing life and strayed away from what people think about me in my social situation; I tossed myself into the wild, quiet land and immured myself into the billowing heat, letting the nature to decompress and nurture my core self and ego - purely accepting what's offered to me. 

Sometimes when I resurface on certain things that happened in my life, I can feel the tickle in my throat and the fuss coming up from my stomach. After many given trials I would still find it hard to articulate what actually went wrong. I understand that everyone's life or trouble and doubts could be much more sentimental but I'm sure you understand what I am indicating when I say "dunno what went wrong". I was constantly washed over by a strange sense of despair; I must have overlooked something severely awful.

While in the desert, everyday for 7 day straight, I took some time to sit by myself somewhere away from my friends and just listened to the warm breeze and stared at nothing. It was a rare occasion that I get to keep it to myself without feeling obligatory of anything. The desert was so empty in sight, but strangely it built something in my heart. It's so transparent that I can barely see it but it's surely there. 

Now being back to the hustling and bustling city life, I know I am a changed person; integrated or reevaluated, whatever that make sense to you. People around me also pick up the difference. Just like the old scenario, I don't know what went right, either. I wish I have a better choice of wording. When thing's working on the right track you just know which way to take, subconsciously. I waved goodbye to some unhealthy habits and feeling much more relieved than ever. I learned how to get along with myself, again. Finally for once in my life I too can say it out loud that I am happy of who I am. Insecurity is like the blood running in our veins and certainly no one wants to get bloody. But we all know it's the pain that brings us a lesson; it's the scar that proves that we grow up. I had to make choices, wishing to pull a benign but firm decision.

I also understood, once again, if you always have this constant doubt in your heart, maybe it's not meant to be; maybe it's time to readjust; maybe it's time to recollect; maybe, it's time to move on.


曾經我是相當會獨處的人,不論孤單或寂寞,不管情緒起伏,我都可以從中理解到一些什麼。微疼或煩悶,我都能夠自我消化。但不知道什麼時候開始,我漸漸變成很多束縛的人。失眠,焦慮都是常態,越陷越深的情緒在無法發洩的狀態下,常常變得很黑暗。生活裡也有些一關係讓人感到很疑惑。我們好像只是對方的庇護所,因為有人陪伴,所以很安心,我們只是彼此的舒適圈,一起嬉笑討安慰,在一起就只是在一起,不痛不癢也沒有成長的可能性。漸漸的,我也失去獨處的能力,有些自我也消失了。我變得很焦慮,焦慮失去自己,同時也焦慮一個人的時候生活變得很混亂,好像什麼都不合理。

這趟被半推半就的旅行竟然像是勒戒一樣,在沙漠的一個禮拜,我花了很多時間獨處,在空曠的沙地裏,挑望懸崖邊,游泳池畔,坐車的時候,夜晚拍星星的時候,心不知不覺就沈澱了。我才發現自己有多久沒有和自己好好獨處了,與自我的對話也在不知不覺之中展開。旅行的時候我跟自己好好獨處,對周遭的觀察,聆聽別人說話。我在想,心裡若是一直有疑慮,那表示事情需要重新考慮,心裡不確定其實自己都知道。時候到了,門開了,我得走。

這篇幅過長的沙漠風景可能還是很難讓我完整表達我去哪裡或做了些什麼,你可能無法感受高溫曝曬的熱度,也無法體會躺在星空下看星星的廣闊,我也絕非意圖炫耀什麼人生際遇。只是我很想要把我看過的風景,也給你看。然後你也許會依稀記得,那努力活著的努力。獨處,觀察,聆聽,決定。


photo 2, 6 & 8 portraits by Ziwei Tian


Portraits in photo 3, 7 by Ziwei Tian


Portraits in photo 2 &4 by Ziwei Tian, 6 by Alicia Rodriguez


Photo 6 & 11 by Mario De La Isla


Photography & post production by Ariel Tzu-Chi, otherwise stated. 


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